A Day In The Life Of An Infertile Woman (Mine)

I have been playing with this idea to give a glimpse into a typical day of feelings from while I was struggling with infertility.  This is not reflective of ONE single day, but of many that I spent during the 5 1/2 years of trying to become pregnant.  This day will include tasks during the year I took fertility drugs...

5:15 AM Wake up, take vitamins & eat whole grain & protein breakfast.  Say morning prayers that my body will accept the drugs this time.  Please Heavenly Father, just let my body show some change in the tests, 9 months of NO response to the drugs is just so hard...

6:00 AM Teach Seminary.  Look into the faces of others teenagers for an hour, thinking about how much I love these kids & am grateful to be a part of their lives.  Think that in a way, I am being allowed to mother them.  In the back of my mind a voice tells me it's not the same.

7:45 AM Arrive at work.

12:00 PM Lunch.  Eat diabetic lunch (be sure to not intake any aspartame).  Take high dosage of clomid, steroid to help body accept clomid & anti-nausea medicine to try and stop the effects of the steroid.  Think about the fact that in a few days (when I am through this month’s dosage), I will go through at least 3 days of withdrawals, most of which I will not be able to work through.  Shakes, dizziness, feelings of instability and inability to complete tasks or stay focused.  Remind myself that it's worth it.  Listen to women at lunch talk about their children and spouses (either good or bad).  Defend my views on wanting a large family.  Remind myself to find a new place to eat lunch.  Start to tear up (darn hormone side effects).  Watch the clock until lunch ends.

1:00 PM Visit with my boss after lunch about when my next round of appointments will be, days off needed.  Two to three days for withdrawals, 1 day for blood tests & urine tests, 1 day for gyno exam and another for test results & discussion on next steps.

5:00-5:30 PM Drive home, mind wonders to wanting a baby.  Saw someone on campus with their cute little one today...  momentarily thought about asking them if I could play on the grass with mentioned baby, decided they might think I was some crazy woman. Thought of my beautiful niece and nephews & how much I miss some of them.  Remember getting to hold them as babies & think about how much they have grown.  Think about how grateful I am to my siblings for letting me mother their children.  Cry.  Try to stop crying 5 minutes before getting home so my eyes won't be red and worry the Mr.

5:30 PM Arrive home from work and see my Mr. P.  Make dinner, do laundry, clean house, study for next day’s seminary lesson, try to avoid thinking more about wanting a baby.  Vacuum the spare bedroom, look in the closet and see the baby clothes I have purchased because I love them so much & couldn't resist.  Get sad.  Then get more sad (I blame the drugs).

9:00 PM Get ready for bed.  Look at the calendar and discuss with the Mr. our scheduled 'encounters' for certain days, trying to catch the most affective days of the fertility drugs.  Try to smile about it; it's hard to enjoy scheduled encounters.  Tear up about having to schedule and take drugs.  Smile & cry when the Mr. tells me he's excited to someday have a baby with me.  Feel like a failure for not having a body that can do what I desire most. 

9:15 PM Prayers again: Heavenly Father, please help me to deal with this.  Please help me to not dislike women who have children.  Please help me to not hate people who have children and abuse or neglect or don't recognize their value.  Please, please, please...  I just want a baby...  Please...

9:30 PM Close my eyes.  Feel the strength of the prayers of my friends & family.  Feel the love of my Savior & Father in Heaven surround me.  There it is, the courage and hope to face another day.


*I am now the blissful mother of these two beauties