While here on vacation, my sister took beautiful pictures of my little family. I love them. They capture the joy of my children & the life Mr P and I have built. 

I look at these photos and smile at each face, until I get to my own. I know that person, but her shape - her body - is not one I recognize. 

The years of infertility we experienced were the result of several biological issues my body experiences. One of those is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Common symptoms include: head hair loss, weight gain/difficult weight loss, painful/infrequent menstrual cycles, infertility, skin tags, etc. 

Several of these are symptoms I experience. None of these are things that I can control happening to my body. All of my symptoms are things I work at influencing/overcoming each day.

I have been blessed to have 4 beautiful children, despite my condition & with the help of medical procedures. 

The wonderful thing is that PCOS does not define who I am as a person. 

Experiencing it has aided me in growing to be a better person. 

Just remember, please, that you can not always tell that a person is experiencing health issues by looking at their outward appearance. 

There was a time I thought I would not be blessed with children in this life.

Never have I been happier to be wrong. 

Keeping It Real

Lately I have felt... put out.
I am tired, I am cranky, I am short tempered, I am easily irritable.

I'll be the first to admit that in my pre-children infertility days, I had day dreams of perfect afternoons, sitting on a blanket on my lawn, watching my kind/sharing/thoughtful children play nicely together.

Here I am, 3 children (in 4 years) later, and I am a basket case. My hair is never done, I rarely wear makeup, I smell of spit up or poop or pee by 9 am, if I have kept from raising my voice by 11am I feel accomplished, I am likely wearing a pair of pants I pulled out of my laundry hamper (because I've been washing all the kids spit up, poopy or peed on clothes) and I can not wait for daddy to get home & bed time.

Now, I love my children so very much.  They are my little angels, my miracles right here on earth. I worked long & hard and paid lots of money to get to the point of them joining me here on this beautiful earth.  That does not make being a mom any easier, but it definitely helps me put into perspective an eternal point of view.

So, today I remind myself that I prayed thousands of times, made sacrifices unspeakable & desired above all else to be a mother.  I got my wish.  Time to focus on being grateful.




(ps - it still sucks, just a little bit... but aren't they cute?)

What to Expect When You're... Not Expecting

As I write the title to this post, I can't help to wonder how many others are out there with the same concept. haha, concept....  Okay, nerd moment over.

I have taken so many pregnancy tests in my life, that they should give me stock shares in appreciation for keeping the business going. I have taken & received more negative pregnancy tests that any one woman should have to endure. Every time my cycle is late I wait and tell myself 'it's just going to be false again'. So I wait another week or two & finally give in. Sitting in my bathroom, door locked, I don't even look at the test until I am SURE that those 2 minutes of suggested wait time have passed. I then tell myself not to be surprised if it's negative; I look over and there it is:

One horizontal line.

My first thought is that I should have known.  I should have stuck it out until I started my cycle again. Because, you know, it never fails that said cycle will start within 24 hours of a negative test.  7+ years of this and that has ALWAYS been the truth, HOW does that work?!

The two times that I have been blessed with a positive symbol I have wanted to run to every store in town & buy out all of their tests, just to take them and try to balance my own personal scales. I usually stop at 4.

An infertile woman will always hope, pray without trying to psych herself out, cross her fingers mentally. Please, just let there be TWO lines, please, let that negative line have a friend to turn to the world upside down & happy. Please, please, please, please... While all the time trying to tell herself not to get her hopes up.

So, what are you to do with this information? Well, not a whole lot, really. But, if you have a friend who looks sad or a little depressed, or if you are one of their friends 'in the know' and see that look of defeat: give her a hug.

A for no reason, love you just because you are you, hug.

My peeps

 

What time is time?

I've heard that some women (couples) know when it's time, done.  Their family is complete.  The little angels they were meant to bring to this earth have come, and now it's time to focus on their completed unit.

I wonder if it's the infertile background in me.  Not wanting to say that this is it, time to 'give up'. I always hated that saying.  "Well, if this doesn't work, then maybe it's time to give up." WHAT?! Give up?!  Who am I to decide if Heavenly Father has sent all his precious ones he wants to into our family?

My faith teaches of personal revelation, or the ability one has to receive answers from God, and I firmly believe that he does answer our prayers and desires of our hearts, whether or not we recognize it or wait long enough for it.  But I do not feel like I have received an answer yet.  Maybe it's just the part of me that wants to know, doesn't like to know that there might be a surprise coming, just tell me about it!  Maybe it's the part of me that's scared that this IS it. Or isn't it.

All I know is that I am beginning to get THOSE questions again: So, when are you going to have another one? You want to have more, right?  You want to have more, WHAT?  Are you trying again yet? (might as well ask me how my love life is with that one!)

To all of these I say, I don't know, I think, yes, butt out!

I know that we have been very open about our experience, and I welcome sincere discussion about infertility and it's challenges, and blessings.  I think what I have realized is that the fear of infertility never leaves.  I am scared.  Scared that these signs I've been (unsuccessfully) trying to ignore mean that my problems have returned and I won't be able to get pregnant.  Scared that maybe I'll accidentally get pregnant at a much later age because I've started to not worry about getting pregnant again. Scared that I will have more chances of tubal pregnancies the more my (ignored) signs progress.

All I know is that I am waiting on the Lord.  He knows me and knows what I can handle.  I have faith that He will not send me something that I can not deal with.  I also have faith that though my prayers have not been answered, my mind can be at peace, if I will let it.

Hm, maybe they have been answered.

Mother's Day

What a wonderful opportunity to show love to and thank those who are mothers & those who mother.

My sister & her family

Sister-in-law & her crew

My sister-in-law & my brother

Sister-in-law & family

Another sister-in-law & famila units

Sister-in-law & bro-in-law

I try to contact all of my sisters (in-law included) to either wish them a happy mother's day as a mother or as a sister who desires to become a mother.  No one did that for me during my infertile years.  Sure, it was a touchy subject, but it's better to mention the giant elephant in the room kindly than to ignore it all together. Here on the other side of things, I know better.  I understand not wanting to hurt feelings, and if you don't know what to say or how to say it, it's better left unsaid. 

On Mother's Day I am especially grateful for those women who raised myself & my husband.  They are true women of faith & are my heros.

My mommy with little Mr T

Mr Ps mama & dad with our little ones

But I think on Mother's Day of recent I am most grateful to my Mr P, who made me a mother, & my little ones.

2011